|Lots of Thoughts (don't feel like you have to read them all, it was more for me to get it out)
||[Nov. 3rd, 2006|02:22 am]
I should be doing homework right now, but I haven't had any down time, any time to myself for about 4 days straight and the only way to get it is to take it and homework be damned. You have to draw the line somewhere. I can't wait until I'm in charge of my own education (i.e. I have the time to read what I consider important). Screw institutionalized academic-keeping-up-with-the-joneses. There's more to life than making your resume look good.
There is no time to do anything fun. Straight from one thing to the next. Today I woke up for band, went straight to work (job #1) then lunch then class then a meeting then tutoring the dinner then more tutoring (job #2). And at about 10pm, started my own stuff. I suppose I really shouldn't have taken the second job... but that was back when I was dying to save up to go back to Ireland... now the job and the new phone are prickly little reminders of the illusion I was under. I like the job itself, and its always good to have multiple references. The extra pay-check padding it gives has been very nice, not gonna lie. I don't like quitting, but I will reconsider continuing it next semester, especially with the honors thesis I have to do.
My debit card is missing. Quite puzzling. Not in any of my bags or pants pockets. But I've been checking my balance online, and nothing suspicious. It must be hiding somewhere. But I'm out of cash and will need to withdraw some by the weekend.
I got all the classes I wanted. The most interesting one has the earliest time: Linguistics & Society @ 8:30am. Band is earlier, but its outdoors moving around. 8:30 is still pretty early, and I know the prof, he's really nice but rambles, so I'd probably be asleep by 8:35. Don't know what to do about that one...
I can't believe marching band's almost over. Only a couple more games left. At leadership meeting, the director mentioned the senior game and I went "Aww! Oh my god, my last game!"
That moment made me realize I've been half-living ever since everything with Darren crashed and burned. I was going through the motions, napping constantly, not only out of fatigue but sheer not wanting to be conscious to have to deal with it all. I was closed off and bitter and anti-social. I hate waking up, I hated being awake. I didn't realize I had stopped caring about things until the senior game announcement made me go "oh yeah, this is band, I care about this!"
There are lots of things going on that are pretty tangled, but all kind of influencing whats going on in my head right now. The fallout with Darren, the separate study abroad returnee letdown issue, and also the usual senioritis/burnout factor. All 3 have sort of drained the fun out of college as it is here now. But I'm trying to reform my attitude, and get back into the fun of things. That was my whole original goal this year, to live it up, have fun and do well. Things with Darren really de-railed me. I withdrew from everything and everyone. There was a barrier; I could see other people having fun, even be in it, but not living it. I really was half alive and I got sick of it and I'm trying to pull myself out of the rut.
You know, I was thinking about it, and I almost---almost--- have an iota of respect for Stacey, his girlfriend. At least she had the guts to speak her mind and say something to me when no one else would. She was a heartless bitch and hit way below the belt, but she did something. She gave me the closure, the proof, as nasty as it was.
Recently I've been doing a lot of "memory organization." This may sound crazy, but in my head, I've been carefully separating the Ireland memories into those Darren-related and those not-Darren-related. The Darren ones I've been walling off, committing them to mental flames. I've been trying to save the good & true memories of Ireland: my Dingle/Limerick trip, the history, the scenery, the ride on the beach, the ceili band in carrigaline, the brog, the northern ireland trip, the english market, learning Irish, the slang, the city... But its been hard since everything even remotely Irish reminds me, ultimately, of Darren. I feel relieved and reassured that I have gained some distance on the whole mess. I'm carrying on with my business. The memories with him feel like they happened to someone else. I don't know who he is or who I was or what I was thinking. That was a different person who fell for him. Not me. But I'm still having a hard time letting go. There's still some anger and bitterness and resentment knotted up in a ball in the pit of my stomach. He doesn't deserve this much of my mental anguish, I know, but I have to let it run its course. I know eventually I will no longer think of him.
However, the things he taught me, the little tricks I learned about what guys like and don't like, are fair game. Once you teach me something, its mine to use as I see fit, no longer connected to the original source. And if what I picked up goes (eventually) to the pleasure of some other man (excuse me, a real man) who deserves it, well... all the more fitting the justice.
That won't be for a while though. My facebook status says looking for friendship and thats the way its gonna be. I just want to be respected. I don't want to be territory for some conquest... I don't want to be explored, invaded, lusted after, lied to, made an object. I'm sick of being the territory, being walked on, waiting. I used to dislike, even hate myself (everyone has that stage) and I thought that beggars can't be choosers so I better just wait and be content with whatever came along. Now I know I can have my pick. I'm no Scarlett O'Hara, but it was so...liberating and refreshing to NOT call that guy from the Union back. I didn't want to and I didn't have to and I made a choice I'm happy with. I've got a lot I need to sort out about myself for myself right now... I've got enough going on without boy shenanigans.
I think it would be giving him too much power and influence if I held myself off from men for ages. So I'm not going to. However, I've decided that a bit of cynicism is quite useful. The way I see it, if you're a cynic, you can be a bitter cynic, or a cheerful cynic. Nothing is done on pure altruism, without at least a little bit of self-interest, but that doesn't mean its the end of the world. The key is just recognizing whats in it for them. I'm not saying I'll never find someone to sincerely care about. I'm just gonna be really picky and not settle for anything or take any crap.
I was up unitl 3am last night doing an annotated bibliography. It is now 1:20am. I should be way more tried than I am. That just goes to show a little down-time goes almost as far as a good nap. I have a presentation for tomorrow that I haven't even started. I think I'm just gonna e-mail the prof and not go. I've been on the ball previously, only one other absence so far, and he's nice, so I'm sure I'll be ok.
Bedtime, and a better attitude for tomorrow. Haha, that sounds like a slogan or something. Ok, I need sleep.