can't wait for spring!

I finally slept the right amount last night. I'm surprised at how good I feel. I havent felt this refreshed/normal for a while. I was alseep by 1:30 and woke up around 11. It wasn't one of those up-til-4am-awake-at-4pm things, and it wasnt a school day where I dont get enough sleep. Consequently I've been pretty productive.

Have a mentor finally. Former Vice Chancellor, no less. Just try to nix that, honors program! And I got the hours added to my schedule finally. So thats all set. Provided I dont have a meltdown or fail to get it done, I'll be graduating from the honors program. *whew*

Bought graduation announcements the other day. Whoohoo!! Finally. Gotta get those sent out. (So funny thought: send an official, gold-embossed graduation announcement with honors/distinction to mr. slacker darren? Haha. Ok, obviously no, not really, but it was an amusing thought, lol).

Branden's really busy this week. Haven't seen much of him lately. Hence lots of girls nights out. But things should calm down here pretty soon.

Classes going well. First round of tests were all 90-something grades. Got a 99 on my world music test, which I thought was insanely hard; don't know how I pulled that off.

Saw the Chieftains (really famous, long-running Irish traditional music group) live thursday night! They were so good! One of them sang this song that was so haunting and sad. It was about an immigrant who missed Ireland before the famine and compared it to the desolation after. It was so sad. I just started crying. Silently, but tears just streaming down. It surprises me and yet it doesn't how much I miss it. I'm just drawn to it. The passion, the music, the history, the spirit... Anyway, also performing with them was a relatively new group called "Liadan" out of University of Limerick Music Academy. Its 6 girls who all sing or play something. They were really good, so I bought their CD to support them. Its really good!

Snow day thursday. Not as good as you'd think. I was going to work and make money but everything got cancelled. Damn snow. oh well. it was nice to relax and stay in. Can't wait for spring!

Okay, its 4, library closes at 5 on saturdays. Gotta run!


I'm at my Grandma's house in Kearney, dealing with ice, rolling blackouts (you know all those useless candle gifts? finally get to use 'em) and helping Nana recover from hip replacement surgery. That sounded crankier than I actually am... its an adventure, really. And Nana's doing really well.

It was nice to see family. At first it really bothered me that I don't have friends my age in Farmville, but I've realized having like 99% family time is good since I only see them a few weeks/months out of the year. Santa was good this year. It was a girly Christmas: purses, shoes, a new french-cuff blouse, some jewelry. Well, I was Santa for myself; put everything I bought in a bag, and mom and dad placed it out for me. Abbie still believes in Santa, but I think this will be the last year. Not many 21-year-olds still get to experience the sheer glee of surprise presents by having a kid around. I heart Christmas. Mainly the music and the lights. And not cheesy overdone radio arrangements. I should specify its the hymns and carols. Christmas should last at least a week into January.

Overall I'd say the freshman year Alamo Bowl trip was the best. This one was okay. Last marching show, last game, last time in the uniform... and those are both good and bad. The worst part was that I fell during the marching show. Clean on my ass. Wiped out. In front of 40,000 odd people. Shitty turf. I was so mad I couldn't see straight. Ruined the rest of the show and the game. Don't really wanna talk about it. Huskers lost, too, just to make it even more fun. Hotels were nice. Galleria mall is amazing. The whole trip was a study of extremes; I was always too hot or too cold, hardly ever just normal. Its Texas. Texas has no business being that cold. And then the sun had the nerve to come out 2nd quarter and fry the left side (and only the left side) of my face. Two amazing dinners: Jane's mom took us out to Ferrarri's, an yummy Italian restaurant, and for new years we went to the Grand Lux Cafe (a menu with over 100 items) and got Shrimp Scampi (to die for) and aftwerwards an Irish Coffee. So my marching career is over. 8 years. It was quite a run.

In Dallas with some of the coolest people ever. Dancing in a hotel with Champagne. First time I had someone to kiss.

1. LIVE- Sleep less, do more. Detach less, care more. Throw myself into everything. Get things done. Be productive. Be that person everyone wants to be, or at least be around. Keep the inner fire lit. Be someone that people remember.
2. GET IN SHAPE- And before anyone jumps on my ass, I am not trying to lose weight. Back the hell off. Its my body anyway and I can do whatever I want with it. I just want to be healthier... tone up a bit. I don't care if the numbers go up-- in fact, that's good, that'll mean I have more muscle. Yeah, its cliche, but I'd actually like to be good at something physical besides horsebackriding and marching.
3. FINISH COLLEGE ON A GOOD NOTE-- I'd love to go for straight A's my last semester, and finish right.
4. GET A FRICKIN JOB AND MY OWN PLACE. Enough said. Don't pester me with details like where and when. ;)

What to do, what to do?? I'd love to go back to Ireland. I've already looked at prices. It's temptingly do-able. Dad's actually been really supportive of me doing something fun, surprisingly. Not cancun, certainly, but possibly NC mountains or beach. Need to make solid plans. Travel somewhere with Branden? Don't think that would fly with the parents. I'd love to take him somewhere in Europe, though, he's never left the US... anyway.... still thinkin....

Hope everyone had Happy Holidays!!

childhood regression

So my bro and I stopped by dad's office and for logistical reasons too complicated to explain, we have to wait for him here.

So we're waiting in dad's doctors office. With tons of reflex hammers, stethescopes, blood pressure wraps, office chairs with wheels, and multiple phones lines. Bored kids playground. So as I go careening down the smooth tiled hallway on a wheeley chair, I def feel like a 6-year old again.

Yay fun. Especially after finals week.
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    bouncy bouncy


So Dad got the phone bill the other day, and I got a phone call from him.

He had my (and all the kids) texting cut off.


* * *

I honestly didn't think I was texting that much. And I thought it was like 10 cents a text or something. Apparently the phone company had other ideas. Das wasn't angry, per se, but he was very emphatic the way he gets so much. It was his military officer mode, as in "I am keeping my composure in telling you this but this is the way its going to be, end of discussion."

So yeah, I'll be calling people from now on...

Three finals due tomorrow.
It's not gonna be pretty tonight...

(no subject)

I'm not sure exactly what got me started on this... but I got to thinking how music (and friends of course) got me through the whole Darren thing. Even thought the playlist has changed, the music's always been playing... And now there's a new song

"You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can find another you
in a minute-- matter a' fact
He'll be here in a minute
I can have another you by tomorrow
Don't you ever for a second get to thinkin
you're irreplaceable
Keep talkin that mess that's fine
But you can walk and talk at the same time
Why don't you call up that chick
And see if she's home
Because you was untrue
Rollin her around in the car that I bought you
Baby drop them keys
And hurry up before your taxi leaves..."

I don't know what it is about Destiny's Child/Beyonce, or whoever writes their stuff, but they get me. No, I'm not black, ghetto, or urban. But nearly every song she sings hits a chord with me. I can relate.

For a long time I was scared my phone would randomly beep one day and it would be a text from him that I'd have to deal with. Now I almost wish he would. Bring it on. I'd love to tell him 'too little, too late... I'm with someone now...and he is right now ten times the man you'll ever be' and finally have my last word.

So over him. Yep. And I'm gonna kick ass on my finals and he's gonna fail half his classes because he's a no-account going-nowhere pot-smoking low-life slacker. That feels wickedly good to think about. I'm thinking about him less and less, but

I changed my flight. Going home friday. Anniversary party saturday.

Met with my African American Literature and Law professor the other day. He didn't even want to talk about my project, he said I was in great shape there. He was basically pitching law school the whole time. He said I'd be great for it, and would do just as well if not better than anyone else in the class. Me? A Lawyer? WTF? He said I had the belief in the ideal of justice, and the confidence and ability to articulte distinctions. I was like um.... thanks? Yeah, I'll think about that after finals...
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winter break = nuts!!

Woke up at 2:30pm today. Yay late/early band trips.

I'm going bonkers trying to plan my winter break. Here's what's going on...

Dec 14/15: Fy back to NC???
Dec 16: Fly back to NC??
Dec 16: Mom and Dad's Anniversary Party
Dec 18: Nana's surgery
Dec 24: Christmas
Dec ?: Fly to Lincoln? Dallas?
Jan 1: UNL vs. Auburn at the Cotton Bowl
Jan ?: fly/bus back to Lincoln
Jan 8: classes start again

Right now my flight back to North Carolina is Saturday Decemeber 16th. I could move it earlier; if the airline will let me, and I have to pay a $100 fee plus any difference in airfare. Its my parents 25th wedding anniversary this month, and all us kids (who are, by the way, in school) got stuck with planning it. And I'm 1,000 miles away. So that's up in the air.

Bowl trip: Its official as of today, Nebraska is playing Auburn in the Cotton Bowl in Dallas, TX on Jan 1. I will already be in NC; meanwhile, the band is leaving from NE. I'll probably have to fly and meet them there in Dallas. But I could fly to Lincoln (if its cheaper) so I wouldn't miss out on the trip and bus down with them. So that's one more flight to buy. One way or two way? The Dallas one I'd probably get one-way, the Lincoln one would probably be 2-way. Oh and whatever flight I pick, the band dept cant help with it; its all out of pocket.

Nana's surgery: Go back to NE on the bus with the band and just stay there to help Nana around the house after her knee surgery (other family will be helping her immediately after until I get there for my turn). Or, if my flight is two-way, then fly back from Dallas.

Yeah, I know, I suppose its my fault for picking a school so far away and staying in a marching band that so often goes to bowls. I should be on expedia looking at flights instead of LJ...

So none of my photos even placed in the contest. I suspect Ireland isn't "exotic" or "ethnic" enough. I'm not sure who won. Probably the picture of the family from Tibet in front of their snow-covered tent. One picture in the architecture category was literally 8 windows in 2 rows of four. That's it. Just windows. No clue what was so great about that one. I can never figure out what photographers are looking for. Oh well.

The worst news is that Ruby, the filly we were working with for our horse training class, had to be put down over Thanksgiving break. She was really sick and in pain. She had choked a couple times and there was all this buildup in her throat, I'm not clear on the details, but it either wasn't fixable or wasn't feasible to fix. She wasn't ours, but we still got attached. She was so sweet and so smart; a really good horse to train. But luckily I got some pictures of her while she was in good shape and the important thing is she's not sick or in pain anymore. I'm assigned to a new colt for the practical, so I've been practicing on him.

Literacy: Portfolio
Chaucer: Final Paper
Afr. Am. Lit & Law: Research Project
Novels: Final Paper.

I'm probably in worst shape for the research project... its the biggest and I have the least done. The Novel paper I'm not worried about, this prof tells you exactly what he wants you to say and in class he points out the quotes he wants, so I'm all set there. Portfolio has stuff already done, its just putting it together.

Big 12 Championship: We lost. Stinkin' Oklahoma. Must e-mail Mr. Hollin about that one. It was freeeeezing cold. Stood in snow the whole time. And hot chocolate cost $4.50. Hell no, not unless there's Bailey's in it. Bus rides much nicer with boyfriend; a nice shoulder to sleep on. Got back 4am sunday morning. Exhausted.

Things with Branden are going really well.... we're both going to be crazy busy these next couple weeks... but we'll get through it.

Okay I need to get on expedia and start looking at flights.......
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    Christmas stuff

Lots of Thoughts (don't feel like you have to read them all, it was more for me to get it out)

I should be doing homework right now, but I haven't had any down time, any time to myself for about 4 days straight and the only way to get it is to take it and homework be damned. You have to draw the line somewhere. I can't wait until I'm in charge of my own education (i.e. I have the time to read what I consider important). Screw institutionalized academic-keeping-up-with-the-joneses. There's more to life than making your resume look good.

There is no time to do anything fun. Straight from one thing to the next. Today I woke up for band, went straight to work (job #1) then lunch then class then a meeting then tutoring the dinner then more tutoring (job #2). And at about 10pm, started my own stuff. I suppose I really shouldn't have taken the second job... but that was back when I was dying to save up to go back to Ireland... now the job and the new phone are prickly little reminders of the illusion I was under. I like the job itself, and its always good to have multiple references. The extra pay-check padding it gives has been very nice, not gonna lie. I don't like quitting, but I will reconsider continuing it next semester, especially with the honors thesis I have to do.

My debit card is missing. Quite puzzling. Not in any of my bags or pants pockets. But I've been checking my balance online, and nothing suspicious. It must be hiding somewhere. But I'm out of cash and will need to withdraw some by the weekend.

I got all the classes I wanted. The most interesting one has the earliest time: Linguistics & Society @ 8:30am. Band is earlier, but its outdoors moving around. 8:30 is still pretty early, and I know the prof, he's really nice but rambles, so I'd probably be asleep by 8:35. Don't know what to do about that one...

I can't believe marching band's almost over. Only a couple more games left. At leadership meeting, the director mentioned the senior game and I went "Aww! Oh my god, my last game!"

That moment made me realize I've been half-living ever since everything with Darren crashed and burned. I was going through the motions, napping constantly, not only out of fatigue but sheer not wanting to be conscious to have to deal with it all. I was closed off and bitter and anti-social. I hate waking up, I hated being awake. I didn't realize I had stopped caring about things until the senior game announcement made me go "oh yeah, this is band, I care about this!"

There are lots of things going on that are pretty tangled, but all kind of influencing whats going on in my head right now. The fallout with Darren, the separate study abroad returnee letdown issue, and also the usual senioritis/burnout factor. All 3 have sort of drained the fun out of college as it is here now. But I'm trying to reform my attitude, and get back into the fun of things. That was my whole original goal this year, to live it up, have fun and do well. Things with Darren really de-railed me. I withdrew from everything and everyone. There was a barrier; I could see other people having fun, even be in it, but not living it. I really was half alive and I got sick of it and I'm trying to pull myself out of the rut.

You know, I was thinking about it, and I almost---almost--- have an iota of respect for Stacey, his girlfriend. At least she had the guts to speak her mind and say something to me when no one else would. She was a heartless bitch and hit way below the belt, but she did something. She gave me the closure, the proof, as nasty as it was.

Recently I've been doing a lot of "memory organization." This may sound crazy, but in my head, I've been carefully separating the Ireland memories into those Darren-related and those not-Darren-related. The Darren ones I've been walling off, committing them to mental flames. I've been trying to save the good & true memories of Ireland: my Dingle/Limerick trip, the history, the scenery, the ride on the beach, the ceili band in carrigaline, the brog, the northern ireland trip, the english market, learning Irish, the slang, the city... But its been hard since everything even remotely Irish reminds me, ultimately, of Darren. I feel relieved and reassured that I have gained some distance on the whole mess. I'm carrying on with my business. The memories with him feel like they happened to someone else. I don't know who he is or who I was or what I was thinking. That was a different person who fell for him. Not me. But I'm still having a hard time letting go. There's still some anger and bitterness and resentment knotted up in a ball in the pit of my stomach. He doesn't deserve this much of my mental anguish, I know, but I have to let it run its course. I know eventually I will no longer think of him.

However, the things he taught me, the little tricks I learned about what guys like and don't like, are fair game. Once you teach me something, its mine to use as I see fit, no longer connected to the original source. And if what I picked up goes (eventually) to the pleasure of some other man (excuse me, a real man) who deserves it, well... all the more fitting the justice.

That won't be for a while though. My facebook status says looking for friendship and thats the way its gonna be. I just want to be respected. I don't want to be territory for some conquest... I don't want to be explored, invaded, lusted after, lied to, made an object. I'm sick of being the territory, being walked on, waiting. I used to dislike, even hate myself (everyone has that stage) and I thought that beggars can't be choosers so I better just wait and be content with whatever came along. Now I know I can have my pick. I'm no Scarlett O'Hara, but it was so...liberating and refreshing to NOT call that guy from the Union back. I didn't want to and I didn't have to and I made a choice I'm happy with. I've got a lot I need to sort out about myself for myself right now... I've got enough going on without boy shenanigans.

I think it would be giving him too much power and influence if I held myself off from men for ages. So I'm not going to. However, I've decided that a bit of cynicism is quite useful. The way I see it, if you're a cynic, you can be a bitter cynic, or a cheerful cynic. Nothing is done on pure altruism, without at least a little bit of self-interest, but that doesn't mean its the end of the world. The key is just recognizing whats in it for them. I'm not saying I'll never find someone to sincerely care about. I'm just gonna be really picky and not settle for anything or take any crap.

I was up unitl 3am last night doing an annotated bibliography. It is now 1:20am. I should be way more tried than I am. That just goes to show a little down-time goes almost as far as a good nap. I have a presentation for tomorrow that I haven't even started. I think I'm just gonna e-mail the prof and not go. I've been on the ball previously, only one other absence so far, and he's nice, so I'm sure I'll be ok.

Bedtime, and a better attitude for tomorrow. Haha, that sounds like a slogan or something. Ok, I need sleep.
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    fuckin' R-E-S-P-E-C-T

the universe's twisted sense of humor

Hey all. I am feeling better about things. Time is going by and things are getting easier. It's still rotten and I'm still trying to forget him, but there are long stretches of time where I get so involved in what I'm doing I forget about it completely. I just need to do that more often.

I'm having a really relaxing stay at Nana's house. It's been nice to get away from it all and sleep in and bum around.

So thursday I was at the union talking to a friend, and out of the corner of my eye I catch this guy watching me and listening in. I'm trying to ignore him and concentrate on what we're talking about. She asks me how old I am, if I have a boyfriend, when I'm graduating, and he hears me say "I'm 21, I don't have a boyfriend, boys are trouble..." I see him start packing up his stuff. As he walks by me, he drops a piece of paper with his name and number on it in front of me. He goes "I know this is really unconventional but if you ever want to hang out, give me a call." Smiles, and walks off. I was like, um ok.

This was thursday. The PIB (psycho Irish bitch) texted me on tuesday. I was like, 48 hours ago, my ex's ex verbally handed me my ass and now another strange guy is coming up to me trying to start something. What the hell.

No I'm not going to call him back. I don't know a thing about him. Look what happened the last time I trusted a strange guy. He looked older, too, not like a regular student. Not old-old, but older. Anyway, I didn't even get a very good look at him. He didn't get to know me himself, he waited off to the side listening to me get to know someone else. I'm flattered and I know it takes guts to put yourself out there.... but no. Not only is that boat not sailing, its sunk in the harbor. I'm glad he gave me his number instead of asking for mine. This way its already over instead of an awkward phone conversation.

Anyway its too soon. I just want to recover and be left alone. A convent sounds really nice.... or an all girls school.... or wait, girls are vicious.... maybe I'll just be a hermit. Sounds like a plan. All I want to do is keep my grades respectable and graduate on time.

Back to the grindstone on wednesday. **Sigh**
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    a TV....yay!!

so glad this week is over

Oh my god, classes kicked my ass this past week. I don't know when things got so crazy but they did. Manic. Literally would go from band, to class, to work, to dinner, to meetings, and second job, then maybe if it wasn't too late, my own homework. So 4 hours of sleep was basically a full night.

So I got a second job! Tutoring athletes at the Hewit Center (UNL's athletic center). They have mandatory study hall and some of that time is tutoring. It's a few hours a week, and all flexible, can set my own hours, and the wage isn't bad at all. The only hang-up so far is that most UNL classes follow the same kinda cycle, i.e. everyone's tests wind up in the same week, including the athletes. So I'll be trying to study for my papers, essays, etc, and thats when the athletes call and want all this tutoring. Then they don't call to schedule anything in the off weeks. Other than that, its actually kinda fun for me to review and teach all this stuff. And the more money I can put away, the better, especially if I want to go back to Ireland or travel anywhere.

My grandpa did leave me and the sibs a bit of money when he died, and we have a little in the stock market or bonds or something, I don't understand it all. We tapped into mine for study abroad, but most of it is still left. Dad said its to help me get started on my own, to start paying for a car or first apartment or whatever, or for a wedding. And I was like "uh, yeah, make that apartment and travel, wedding is like the bottom of that list." If I get married it'll be small and low-key. None of this lavish pagaentry shit. You're not supposed to start your life with someone in masive debt. And I say if because you never know. I would certainly like to find someone to spend my life with, but I'm not going to get married just for the sake of being married.

So Piccolos are doing skit. (Marching Band tradition-- sections do a skit before every performance to laugh off nerves). We never do skit. It was like an unwritten rule. But I want to change that this year. So I wrote a skit and its pretty damn funny if I may say so. Usually its some big guy section like the trombones or trumpets. We'll see how well it goes over.

Horse training class going well. Our filly is Ruby. She's frickin' smart! Learns fast and remembers stuff. And cute, too. I can't get too attached, though, we're only borrowing them!

Best news of the week.... bought an online phone card.... called Darren.... and we actually had a really nice conversation!! He apologized for not writing; he was taking summer classes and working and things got crazy busy. And there's a letter for me on the way!! Whoohoo! Ok I really need a new phone that texts. Have to get out to that sprint store. I don't need a frickin fancy camera phone with MP3 player. Just one that texts. And a car to get myself there. And hell, while I'm at it, a horse and a barn to keep it in would rock too.

Branden asked me the other day "so what exactly is the official status for you two?" and I didn't really know how to answer that. I don't want to go make out with some guy and then find out Darren wants to have a long-distance relationship and has been faithful the whole time. But by the same token I don't want to act like he's my boyfriend if he's over there making out with another girl. But I really don't think he is. Its just hard to bring it up over the phone. I don't want to sound like I'm asking his permission for anything; I'm sure its the same for him of me. And I can't exactly be like "hey, kissed any girls since I left?" I'll know what we're doing when the letter comes. And if it turns out he doesn't want to make it work, then its not like I've made some huge sacrifice for nothing; there's no one here I'm really dying to go out with.

Mom and Dad coming out to NE to visit for the next game!! Yay family. Boo cold. And boo sinuses.

So I heard that new song "My Love" before I knew who it was by and I was like "I may not like the techno-y beat to it, or the little baby voice in it, but the chorus is really catchy, I like the song overall." And then I found out it was by Justin Timberlake. And I was like crap, I can't like a song by justin timberlake, he's just some manufactured noise-not-music boy-band sugar-pop image. And then I realized that was pretty judgmental. If I like the song, I like the song, it shouldn't matter who its by. Or should it? Anyway... that damn chorus is still catchy.

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